avalar | [Voice] Arcana III

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persona 3: minato arisato

[Voice] Arcana III - so much to lose

[Minato couldn't not notice, this time. He'd thought at first that he might be wrong, but well... A few days and no contact can only mean one thing, can't it? The message comes late at night, and is brief. His voice is level and calm, but trained ears could tell it's only barely so.]

...I know not many of us were close to them, but I figured it's worth knowing: Marie, my housemate, seems to be gone. I'm pretty sure Shirogane Naoto is, too.

[He shuts it off quickly. Two of his closest friends here, vanished. He doesn't know if they went home or what. He's...never really thought about where the people who are no longer in Avalar may have gone. Home? Some other world? He can't help but be sad about it, no matter what the case may be. It hurts.]

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Shirogane-san was your friend, too. So... I'm sorry she's gone.

[He knows it isn't his fault. He knows which actions are his to take responsibility for.]

Yeah... and no. Look at it this way, at least she's going back to the world that makes sense for her, right?

[Because he refuses to believe that anything else could have happened.]

Yeah...if that's where she went. I-I know she can take care of herself, but...

[He's quiet for a bit, making a face. He isn't sure how much he's ready to open up yet - he's still bad at that. This was his chance to start over... Is it okay to be selfish, just this once?]

...I'm just so sick of losing people.

[Adachi frowned, reaching over and squeezing his shoulder.]

I know how 'ya feel, kid. Not... quite as much as you, but... I know how you feel.

I-I thought...maybe this was my second chance. Even Ryoji-kun is here now, maybe we earned another life after all that crap.

[Here, Minato was happier than he had been in years. It's hard to take - especially when he realizes of the first Outsiders to arrive, the only ones left are Seito and himself. He can't lose it now. He can't. ...He has to.]

I don't...want anyone else to leave. [And he doesn't want to think about possibly leaving someday himself. He knows what's waiting for him, and while he accepts that fate...

He wants to be alive.]

[Adachi frowned, before finally pulling him over and wrapping his arms around him in a strong hug. He didn't know what else he could say to him, so he just... held onto him. That would help, right?]

[He feels his chest quivering. He won't cry. He won't cry, but he can feel all the weight of his own pain so strongly he can almost feel the strain put on the seal again. Slowly, he brings his arms up to return the hug.]

I'm not even happy they're back where they belong...so selfish of me.

It's not selfish, kiddo. It's just... human.

[He rubbed at his back; maybe dying like he said, suffering through so much... maybe it was hard for him to remember that he was still just a kid.]

[He's always had to take care of himself, even if for years he didn't do it very well. Adults in his life are mostly missing, apathetic, or insane, after all. He was settling down here, letting other people take care of things once in a while...]

I-It's more than that, though. I know...where I belong. I know I have to, but I d-don't want to go back. I want to be alive... [He doesn't want to go back to the seal, to the weight and voices and Erebus's attacks. He can endure, he will endure, but it's painful as hell and he knows if all goes well it'll never end.]

[Adachi couldn't respond, and could feel his own emotions welling up in the back of his throat. He couldn't help but wonder if Seiki felt the same way... that maybe she wanted to live, that she wanted to have a life after reaching out to him. It was too much to hope, but it still hurt.]

It's okay, kid. G'head and cry, all right? You sound like you need it.

[He can't hold back the tears, hot and pained and held back for...years, really. He'd cried a little right before falling asleep but not like this.]

I-I can't... I can't let myself give in, ever. I can't lose to d-despair or that thing'll tear me apart and the F-Fall will begin again.

[He isn't even on topic anymore, but he's been holding this in for too long. He needs some kind of outlet and dammit this is the best he's got, with no clubs or school or Tartarus or social links.]

[Adachi really didn't know what he was talking about... he wasn't sure if he wanted to. The Fall? Weren't some people babbling about that a couple years ago? He didn't quite remember, he was still busy working on his gold shield back then, but there was something about a cult...]

[He'd ask him later. Persona business could get weird and headache inducing.]

Hey, kid; we go through some tough shit in our lives. It's okay to cry about it every now and then. It's not despairing it's just... letting off steam.

I-I never wanted any of this... S-Sometimes I think it'd have been better if I'd never woken up, if I'd just s-stayed apathetic to everything. A-And I hate myself for that.

[He never doubts that he made the right choices, but if he'd never had to make them...he'd have suffered so much less. But at the same time, he'd never have made any of his friends - his family. Wasn't that the whole reason he'd decided against killing Ryoji, despite the temptation? So he wouldn't lose his family again?]

It'd be the easy route, right...? Just... ignoring that everything exists so you can stay in your little bubble?

[Yeah, they have a lot more in common than what it seemed. But whereas Minato ignored the world, Adachi was just an ass to everything. He hated how he used to be...]

Nothing gets solved that way.

I-I don't regret any of my choices. I don't r-regret defeating the Arcana Shadows or not killing Ryoji-kun or sacrificing myself... J-Just that I couldn't keep my p-promise. But if I'd never r-returned to town, none of it would have happened.

[He clings to the older man. The flood gates have opened. Everything he's been holding back for as long as he can remember is spilling out and he can't hold it back anymore.]

Junpei-kun was right... E-Everything that happened, it was a-always...all my fault.

[Adachi smiled faintly. He wasn't going to say it wasn't the kids fault, or... well, anything like that really. The kid sounded like he was keeping a lot of shit bottled up.]

[He rubbed at his back again, silently telling him that it was okay to let it all out.]

[Oh, he is. He's locked up everything since he was six, after all. Just because he ignored the feelings for ten years doesn't mean they didn't weigh on him.]

I-I miss them so much. I-I was finally starting to make plans for the future, j-just little ones - and then they forgot everything. I knew I was...going to die and m-my friends could all tell I wasn't okay but none of them knew...! A-And then I didn't even...say goodbye...

[He's quiet for a good long while after that, just crying and letting everything out. Eventually his shaking slows, his tears stop, and he gets his composure back. Maybe he's strong, but no one is strong enough to hold back that much pain forever.] Sorry... I haven't done that in a long time.

Edited 2014-01-19 03:42 (UTC)

It sounded like you needed it.

[Adachi let him pull away, but he kept a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.]

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for you. I wish I could just... be able to pull your friends here, 'cause I understand how lonely you are. But I can't.

I... I'm okay with being alone. I signed up for it - I chose this fate of my own free will. I just...never imagined it would include another world where I could make and lose new friends.

[He takes a deep breath, trying not to choke up and start crying again.] I thought it would just be the Great Seal and Erebus forever...

[...that didn't sound right; it didn't sound like Igor, and knowing Michael in his own world...]

What if that isn't what you signed up for?

What I signed up for was taking responsibility for my own actions. That's it. The actions that led to the Fall and my death are all mine.

I don't know if something I did led to my being brought here or not.

Exactly; that's what I signed up for too.

[Adachi offered him an easy smile.]

So tell you what. If we end up ever finding a way out of this place, and you have to go back to your... 'seal'. [He still didn't understand, but he didn't want to force the story out of him at this point.] I'll find a way to get to 'ya, and I'll figure out how to get you outta there.

Funny thing... Igor isn't the one who gave me the contract.

[That gets him to look up, though. Get out of the seal... God that would be nice, wouldn't it? He's accepted his fate but it' still near-constant torture.]

But... [He shakes his head briefly.] If anyone can do it, it'll be the Avatar of Hope. You'll probably have to go through Erebus to get to me. ...But if you're going to make that promise, you should probably understand everything.

Really?

[That was weird, but... well, different circumstances. He tilted his head curiously.]

You mentioned that before... what is Erebus?

Yeah... It wasn't even a resident of the Velvet Room. They had the contract though.

[Welcome to the world of Persona 3?]

Erebus... It's a powerful entity, on the level of Nyx and probably Izanami from your time. It's the embodiment of all humanity's despair, sorrow, and suffering - the little piece inside of everyone that wishes for destruction. Nyx's duty is to answer those wishes, and with Erebus bombarding her with them...

The Great Seal - me - keeps Erebus away from Nyx so the Fall won't happen. But Erebus is pretty pissed about that, so...it's constantly ripping at the seal, trying to tear me apart. And will be for eternity, because Erebus can never be completely destroyed. It will always come back.

[If Adachi will recall when they first met, Minato said he owed him his thanks for something... He also described the seal, that he's "supposed to be crucified across a giant pair of metaphysical doors". With what he's just said, Adachi knows everything that's waiting for Minato.]

[Voice] Arcana III - so much to lose

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